The Assurances
Trust
Trust is etymologically related to true which refers to validity. Trusting another has to do with whether they are truthful in thought, word and deed. Though a person may have honorable and genuine intentions in a moment, intentions change. Trust is based on action, not intention; it is a response to actions and experience in present conditions.
My belief in Sweetheart is about his skills and abilities based on experience. I believe he can because he has. Trust is similarly based on history, but it is about emotions and feelings rather than acquired skills. Trust refers to relationships, how a person treats and respects others. There is also a competence form of Trust, but this is more of a belief, a person may believe in the quality of a person's skills to perform a specific action, but believing a person will perform that action is a matter of trust. In relationships, Belief is about can and Trust is about will. Believe that someday your MLCer will do what he can; that he will act within his abilities to be a good person and at that time offer your Trust. Trust is about present actions and if your MLCer's present behaviors are not trustworthy it is not your spousal duty to give them your Trust.
Many of you understand what I said earlier that Trust is about what they will do and is based on experience in the context of present conditions. Due to your present familiarity with unfaithful partners you know all too well that unfaithfulness eliminates Trust. What many of you may not know is that it does not destroy your ability to Trust. Often when someone on whom you placed a high degree of trust has betrayed you, you lose trust in your own judgment which can be a barrier to your trusting others--even when they have proven themselves trustworthy. Trusting blindly renders us fools; having trusted a lying, manipulative and adulterous spouse, you feel you played the fool. Some of you played that fool after Bomb Drop and after discovery of an affair when your MLCer made new promises of commitment to you, promises that the affair was over and there would be no contact with the alienator. You did not think yourself blind because you know your spouse and they seemed genuine. What you may know about your spouse as a person of high morals and upstanding character is not valid in the context of MLC. Most of you feel that you played the fool before you were aware of adultery and lies; unless you were denying clear signs and messages your Trust was pure and honest and based on experience.
There is a deep and desperate desire to Trust your partner, the person to whom you made public vows of for better or for worse, in sickness and in health and to forsake all others. You both made those vows and you are honoring them; it can be difficult to step out of your personal perspective and understand that your suddenly apologetic spouse will not honor them. Perhaps he will. MLCers often mean their promise-filled words and yet because they do not understand the addictive nature of infidelity and the power of emotional blackmail, since they have not accepted who they are and integrated their Shadow through this journey, their words are empty of actions. They believe they can be just friends with the alienator and refuse to end contact or they believe they can handle no contact and the alienator will comply; alienator-addictive withdrawal may comes as a shock.
Do you feel like a deer about two seconds after seeing the headlights?
You know you’ve gotta stop crying, panicking or asking your spouse ANYTHING. And you know you should let-go and give space so that you can learn to respond and communicate with your spouse from a place of calm rather than emotional hurt.
Introducing
Understanding Midlife Crisis
The foundational course to give you answers and clarity into "What the he!! Is going on with my spouse!"