The Releasers
Detach + Let-Go + Surrender = Acceptance
The three Releasers do not equal Acceptance, rather like a chemical reaction, they yield it. It is through the acts of release that Acceptance becomes possible. It is both a precursor and consequence of the Releasers. Acceptance is Surrender; surrender is the action and Acceptance is the knowledge. It requires surrender, but surrender requires the knowledge--intellectual understanding of the concept.
Releasing is like weaving a tapestry; you complete a complex section only to have your MLCer unravel the threads--though this can be through taunting and deliberate Replay escalation, the actions that tear the most at the threads are the touch-n-goes, return attempts, changing niceties and I don't know what I wants. It is behaviors that take advantage of and absorb your hope that are the most damaging to your ability to release. Simply knowing of these possibilities can create a lock-stitch to enhance the strength of your tapestry, but sections will still unravel and you will reweave a different weft through the original warp, changing the theme and design as you apply what you have learned.
Release is difficult. You are not only emotionally attached to your MLCer, but you are also attached to an outcome--you want to reconcile. Ironically the only way to achieve a true reconciliation is through releasing the attachment to it. That does not mean giving lip-service to release, but coming to a place where you can Accept with joy whatever outcome you receive.
Appropriately detached you will still be able to care, but you will also be able to function. Detachment is the first step in the process of release. Cut the cord (Detach); drop the rope (Let-Go), step to the side and Accept (Surrender). Detachment is at the behavioral and emotional level. Detach from your MLCer's emotions, otherwise you will cycle with him and his behaviors will create your emotions. Then learn to Surrender by first Letting-Go. Let-Go of any agenda, Let-Go of preconceived notions, Let-Go of expectations; the final Letting-Go is where you approach Surrender when you release control to God. It's also the hardest. Letting-Go is a process and you may grab on again many times, you reach Surrender when you no longer feel the need to take back control, but rather you trust in a Higher Power regardless of whether it is directing you to where you want to be or not. Surrender is a state of trust and Acceptance.
Do you feel like a deer about two seconds after seeing the headlights?
You know you’ve gotta stop crying, panicking or asking your spouse ANYTHING. And you know you should let-go and give space so that you can learn to respond and communicate with your spouse from a place of calm rather than emotional hurt.
Introducing
Understanding Midlife Crisis
The foundational course to give you answers and clarity into "What the he!! Is going on with my spouse!"