Betrayed: Dealing with Infidelity
An Affair Down Alienator is an Advantage to a Stander
Why is a more desperate and manipulative alienator better for Standing? What if he feels good about her desperation, because it makes him feel more important?
Do you think it is a strong and mentally healthy person who needs someone to feel desperate for them to feel more important? The alienator's desperation is indicative of the MLCer's level of weakness and self-worth. I know you want you husband, but step aside from your situation. Come on, you can do that. Consider that you are young and single--never married. What type of person would you choose? Would your MLCer--as an MLCer--be in the running? Probably not. Would you want to lower yourself or go against your principles so that someone took an interest in you? If you answer yes, then you need to look into your Self to discover why you are willing to sacrifice who you are for another person.
Many newbie Standers are concerned with this. They fear that their new changes and strength will frighten their MLCers away more than he is already frightened. Since MLC is partially a crisis of no longer feeling needed, shouldn't we be needy? No. There is a difference between needy and needed or wanted.
A needy person seeks internal validation from an external source, whereas a person who needs or is needed wants someone in their lives out of the benefit of presence rather than company and out of personal enjoyment rather than as a requirement for functioning. Both men and women feel validated by having a useful purpose in someone's life.
Alienator's are often unstable and desperate which makes them needy because instead of taking responsibility for their own joy and purpose in life, they require someone else to validate their worth and make them happy. Such an emotionally insecure person is in a state of perpetual emotional crisis and monopolizes her partner's time; MLCer's, with their Rescue Complex willingly take on the gallant role of Knight, but there is always new drama and as he continues to rescue her, the MLCer enables the alienator's needy dependence. Eventually the alienator's dependence will become S-Mothering, but this is something the MLCer must experience as part of his growth. It is not for you to point out his mistakes and tell him he will regret it later. Experience is a better teacher than your words; let the s-mothering alienator choke the love out of your MLCer.
He has also told me that the alienator makes him feel good about himself; I think it is because she has low self esteem and he is not feeling that good about himself.
He's also avoiding reconciliation because he's not at that point. It's not necessarily about a search for something missing in his life. It may seem that way and he may verbalize it or even interpret it that way. Sometimes it's more about doing what takes the least amount of energy. The alienator relationship may be volatile, but it's the law of inertia and he's doesn't want to change the present momentum because the amount of energy to do that would be greater than the amount it takes to stay in the volatile relationship. He stays with her simply because it is easy. MLCers avoid Liminal Depression where they are forced to think--something that is not easy but instead can be frightening as they are then confronted with their greatest persona fears and transgressions. The alienator may pressure, badger and manipulate; she may monopolize his time and energy, but such things enable him to avoid Liminality. The relationship with the affair down alienator is
Remember that MLC is a journey and that your MLCer will likely come through the tunnel within a few years. I know that seems like a long time, but it is what it is. During this crisis your strength may frighten your MLCer, causing a withdrawal or avoidance of you, or it may act as an attractive force with which you will have opportunities to show your changes and act as a guide through your loving examples. Even those who withdraw and avoid are often secretly watching, even for them your strength is or will be an attractive force. MLCers return broken. If their spouse is also broken, there will be no foundation for rebuilding the marriage. They need a strong spouse who can withstand the rigors of dealing with their MLC with compassion and understanding rather than anger and judgment.
Do you feel like a deer about two seconds after seeing the headlights?
You know you’ve gotta stop crying, panicking or asking your spouse ANYTHING. And you know you should let-go and give space so that you can learn to respond and communicate with your spouse from a place of calm rather than emotional hurt.
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