Betrayed: Dealing with Infidelity

The Woman Scorned
Part II

The alienator is validating and comforting him; she is protecting him from your attacks and pressure. She's rescuing him from a bad marriage. How would you feel if someone attacked and insulted your rescuer--your comfort and safety? You would become angry and defend your rescuer. Since you are giving him something unpleasant to escape from, such desperate actions increase his attraction to the alienator and the fantasy. She won't need to become jealous and controlling since you're doing that for her. If you've got a mean and angry MLCer, do you want him right now; he's not a catch? Laugh as she gets the MLC Monster.

The stronger you are in the face of a full-blown public affair, the weaker she will be, the more controlling she will become and the more she will pressure him. Let her invade his space, let her become jealous and controlling, let her become pathetic, and best of all let her bad-mouth you to him. This will eventually put him in a position where he feels the need to defend you which will frighten the alienator even more and she will sink lower into her destructive behaviors. You do not need to do anything toward them actively for this to happen. It occurs naturally when there is an empowered and Standing spouse who refuses to play dirty.

An alienator may feel more threatened and become more controlling as the relationship becomes seemingly safer and more solidified. Why?

• Now that she seems to have won, she has more to lose.
• Perfection is difficult to maintain; she has to maintain her fantasy self. She now has farther to fall.
• She may not have a safety net of supportive friends or family available to her.
• She becomes paranoid that she will lose what she won.
• She's in a relationship with someone who has proven capable of cheating.
• The more time they have together, the more time they have to know each other; true colors reveal themselves.

It is logical that alienator's are controlling and jealous. Why shouldn't they be? They choose men whom they can't deny are cheaters. Even if she's his first affair, it makes it a history of infidelity. Her controlling behavior is one of the main issues that eventually leads to the break-up. The relationship needs to come to a place where from a distance it may seem secure and where the alienator herself feels she is winning and can thus let down her guard. If you trust the process of MLC and that infidelity does not yield secure relationships, you will not be fooled, but many are easily fooled. Have faith in the process.

He is enjoying his freedom and all that comes with it. Why would he ever want to give that up?
Because freedom isn't free. Though he is free to be with her, there is rarely freedom in an alienator relationship. It comes with guilt, losing everything one holds dear and an alienator holding a leash--since she needs to monitor and control her married man. She wants and needs to be rescued--desperately. Desperation yields fear, controlling and clinging. If you were dating a married man, would you trust him? Maybe you would be stupid enough to trust in the beginning, but not for long. What freedom? alienator's are distrusting by nature, which makes them controlling and possessive. The more freedom he has to be with the alienator, the closer the relationship gets to the end.

How can I compete with the fantasy of her undying love and attention, not to mention the easier life!
You can't. It's a fantasy; you do not need to compete. In the end, reality is better. The end is just a long ways away. Let her compete by trying to maintain the fantasy amidst the realization of living together--bills, messy houses, bowel movements and sickness are absent in fantasies.

He seems content to stay with her. It really feels like the end, especially since he has an alienator.
This is normal, but also understand that things are not always as they seem. If the affair is new or only recently public, according to the MLC process, he should be content to be with her. He's getting what he thinks he wants. MLCers have alienators; an affair is part of the MLC process. Consider that the presence of an alienator helps your chances rather than hinders them. The more in-love he thinks he is--actually in-fatuation--the less real it is. Are you insulted that he is getting serious so quickly? Fools rush in, so let them. The process of destruction starts now but is not immediate--and you are not the destroyer. Infidelity destroys itself.

It hurts so much.
I know. It's difficult to not take this betrayal personally. Intellectual understanding doesn't quell the pain. But even so, his actions are not about or against you, they are indicative of his unhappiness; they don't mean he thought you were a bad wife, mother, lover... His unhappiness is within, though to reject it he must project it onto you. If it were his fault, then he'd be stuck with it, he'd be a bad person--not really, but in his mind. If it is his fault, it means he is innately bad and there is nothing he can do to change it. MLCers are unable to separate themselves from their actions--good people sometimes behave badly.

Has anyone got back together because the abandoned spouse...

• stood up for herself?
Standing up for yourself as compared to what--being a doormat or being defensive?

• demanded the truth?
  Rather than demanding truth, demand no more lies. The truth is often known: he lives with the alienator, though he may deny the public fact, or he's having an affair that he may deny even though he's told everyone.
  As for demanding verbal truth--No! That calls for questions, and a person feels cornered when questioned. It also calls for possible answers you may not be ready to hear. 
  Where were you last night? You didn't come home.
  I was at my girlfriends. I had the best sex of my life.
  Why? 
  Because I don't love you. I am in love with alienator and I'm going to marry her.
  Often those answers are a reaction to the questions, serving only to shock. 

• fought for her marriage?
  I'm Standing for my marriage By kneeling down to pray. Fighting leads to violence, Standing is not about fighting for your marriage. It is about peace and surrendering. Let the alienator do the fighting.

• caused trouble for her MLCer and the alienator?
  Absolutely not. The Titanic needed no assistance, neither does an affair. Causing trouble may act as caulking to the ship and you will be the primary suspect of suspicious trouble. The affair has its own internal iceberg.